My Hope
by MP PrussianMia
Summary: When you lose someone you love dearly, nothing hurts worse. It's a feeling that overwhelms your soul. It's what Matthew feels as he mourns over the death of his husband, Gilbert. Can a midnight night visit bring him some peace? Warnings: AU, Death, MPreg


**Hey there! MP PrussianMia here! Well, this is my first story ever written so I deeply apologize for any mistakes. My BETA did her best but it's like 12:16 am, so she might have missed something. Well, this story was inspired by the song "HOPE" sung by Miku Hatsune. I claim no rights to the song, Miku Hatsune, or Hetalia. All I own are my translyrics and this story. I own very little so please don't steal. **

**This story contains PruCan, mentions of Gertalia, and mentions of MPregs. Also, there's a couple of OCs. No Flaming please. If you don't like it, don't read it.**

Writing styles:

**Song lyrics**

Present story

_**Flashbacks**_

_Thinking inside his head/thoughts_

**

* * *

**

Canada's POV

"**Where am I now?**

**It's white and black**

**All I want is to see you once again**

**As it darkens, I cannot stop my tears"**

He was there. Inside what was once the most beautiful Victorian home, one that towered over the once beautiful rose garden. Now all that, was reduced to ash.

"Ash…such an ugly thing. A mixture of dull colors and forgotten memories of our once perfect life, right?" He smiled such a bitter, crestfallen smile that could never reach the sullen blue-violet eyes. "My eyes…remember what you used to say about them? **_"Like pieces of a clear sky!"_ **But you were always the only one who thought that. Blue is such a boring, common color. Francis has them and Alfred too. But your eyes…were like twinkling rubies. Such an unusual color, for an unusual man."

He knelt down, running his pale hands over the worn earth, feeling the ashes fall though his fingers. His cornstalk color curls framed his face, and as the sun slowly descended towards the nearing horizon, the tears that were rimming his eyes finally started to fall.

"I never thought I'd see the day were the Awesome Prussia would be gone. We used to joke around when Ludwig came over of how a world without "The Awesome Gilbert!" would be. And even though you laughed along, I knew how much it hurt you. If I could take it all back, I would. All I want is to see your cocky smile, your silky silver locks and hear your voice. G-Gilbert….I'm falling apart….I'm taking to ashes for God's sake!"

"**Here in the deepness of my heart**

**Brutal memories**

**Haunt me as I wake**

**And my ears block the soundless struggling voices"**

He stretched out his drawn knees and tucked the silver ribbons from his dress shirt under his bottom as he seated himself amidst the rubble and ash. With his trembling hand, he stubbornly wiped away the tears that just kept flowing down like a gentle stream.

"You know, I still remember how it used to be before I met you. I was truly invisible. I'd go to the World Meetings and no one would even acknowledge me. And if they did, they'd soon forget anyway. Damn Russia always kept sitting on me even when I kicked and yelled. Even when I try to move on and make myself be seen….I'm still haunted by the fact that my own family won't even remember me…that or I'm mistaken for America."

With his pale, timid hands, he ran his fingers over the tall letters carved into the marbled stone. "You were the only one who ever noticed me…maybe because we're alike. I mean, we're a nice pair; a country that was once on the map and a country that no one remembers. Is that why you noticed me?"

_**"Nonsense Mattie! That's not the only reason I went over and spoke to you that day. It had more to do with the fact that…your face is too pretty to be clouded with sadness or grief. Being an awesome big brother, I felt that I had to. Though…falling in love wasn't part of the plan." Blushing slightly, he looked down at his tall boots and laughed nervously, anxious to brush off the tense atmosphere that started with that simple question. The rising blush brought even more attention to his pale cheeks and his silver strands came free from the tiny ponytail that tamed it. After shaking his head to try to clear his pending thoughts, Prussia glanced over and saw something beautiful. Loose cornstalk curls framing a delicate pale face and bright, clear blue-violet eyes that were starting right back at his own ruby red ones as a healthy blush rose upon his powdery cheeks and reached the tip of his ears. 'Hey, that earring really does look good on him. It makes him look even more innocent. And precious…so so precious.'**_

"Oh, you'll be pleased to know that Germany has helped me greatly since you left. Others have tried as well...apparently; death of a spouse makes you suddenly important. But I won't let myself be swayed with false words of security and kindness. I mean, they weren't there for me before…except Russia. But he still tends to sit on me." Sighing softly, he edged closer to the tombstone and traced out the letters engraved there with a slim finger.

_'**Gilbert Beilschmidt**_

_**January 18****th****, 1701- October 9****th****, 2010'**_

"**I truly believed you, when you once said to me**

**That our happiness would last forever**

**But your gone, my Light's dark**

**And these nightmares are descending again"**

Biting his lip softly, he held the stone until he could feel his brittle nails yielding to the hard marble. _'It'll soon be two months since you left…' _The pain shot up in quick bursts, willing his brain to release the stone. '_Sweet, sweet pain…at least I know I'm still alive'_. Slowly, he pried his fingers away and watched as the blood raced to circulate once more.

"You broke your promise, Gil-Gil. You said we'd grow old and cranky like England. **("**_**It'd probably take a while!"**_**).** That we would travel the world and annoy Austrians and eat pancakes every morning. Kumijirou (_'is that his name?'_) loved you too, you know? Especially when it snowed and you'd brush his coat the wrong way so it'd fluff up. But I guess that's not going to happen anymore, now is it?"

_'I hate you. I hate what you did to me, I hate that you're a liar, I hate that you got so sick so quickly, and most of all, I hate that I fell for you. Maybe because you were so different. All my life I've been surrounded by pissy, big-eye browed, green-eyed British men, and wine-guzzling, long-haired, "Romantic" French men. Oh, and let's not forget the cowboy loving, egoistic, arrogant, forgetful-of-their-own-twin! Americans! After we got split up, Francis spoiled me rotten and then left me to myself. But whenever "The Bad Touch Trio" came over, I'd be sent to my room to stay there. But guess what? I'd try to be very quiet and I'd sneak downstairs and peek through the slightly opened door and see you all around a table, drunk as heck and smiling. Big, wide, pearly smiles. That was my first glance at you…a silver-haired, red-eyed, egoistic, self-loving, beer-loving Prussian man who needed help caring for a small blond nation.'_

Crawling over to lean his forehead on the cool marble, he ran his hands down the sides of the tombstone, brushing the small blue cornflowers that were slowly wilting. With curious eyes, he held one gingerly, wincing softly as a stray thorn pierced the soft skin, drawing forth the essence of life. He watched as the blood trickled downward, smiling softly as the cut started to sting. It'll pass, it always does. _'Soon dawn will come and no on will even know I was here. Because, nightmares are only meant to last for the night. Daylight makes a new beginning and a break from the darken abyss. But my nightmares never end. And I can't wake up.'_

"**I can still recall your heartwarming smile**

**As it filled my heart with your tenderness**

**I will treasure all of our memories**

**As your fading now,**

**Your smile is forever mine"**

Matthew blinked away the intruding tears and held the withering flower in his bleeding hand. "I don't think I even told you, but I kind of adored your smile. You were always so full of confidence, as if you could do no wrong. I always admired it from afar, on the days that Germany brought you along to the meetings. It was so…effortless. Selfish too. I sometimes thought that maybe, just maybe, if I watched you long enough, I'd be confident too. And I'd demand, not plead, for attention. That was my first impression of the Awesome Gilbert Beilschmidst. And while you were quite crude and arrogant, I still admired it. You were everything I ever wanted to be."

Standing up, he glanced around in the blackened wood surrounding him. He left the cornflower behind and started walking around the deserted house. "I truly loved this house. Papa France gave it to me when I said I was moving out. And while it wasn't anything near Papa's mansion, it was mine. All mine. I spent every minute I could painting, fixing, molding, and decorating so that when you had packed everything, we'd move in together. Oh, I remember how much Ludwig drilled you, forcing you to realize that you'd have to stop solely caring for yourself. That you can't be coped up with junk food and video games for days on end. _**"It takes two to tango."**_ He said. Why do I feel like Feliciano taught him that? Regardless, you picked up your bag and bird, and carried me into the house. That was one of the best days of my life."

"But my true best day was not that one, but the morning after. I had woken up early due to nightmares but I was too scared to wake you. I kept thinking that "He'll just wake up and forget about me. Just like all the others. That you'd leave and never come back."

_ But honestly, you couldn't blame the kid. Years of isolation, neglect and being forgotten can do that to a person. Plus, he was very shy and withdrawn, so he wouldn't speak unless spoken to, which given his status was slim to none. So it was to be expected that he was more than wary when the Prussian invited him out for dinner after another uneventful World Meeting. After checking, re-checking, and checking himself in the mirror once more, he walked over to the small restaurant they agreed on. Matthew, true to himself, ordered a plate stacked high with hot pancakes and warm maple syrup. But the real surprise? Gilbert ordered the same.__ Thus, he was already starting to fall for him. After a round of air hockey and a sundae, Mattie found out that Gilbert wasn't always a beer chugging hoodlum. He was pretty responsible when it came to caring for his younger brother. It wasn't until his "teenage years" that he started the ruckus. __Though, Spain and France couldn't__ have been much help__**…("Old Roddy always told me to choose my friends wisely!")**_

"But you woke up anyway, while I was trying to wiggle out of bed. Looked me straight in the eye and asked_**,**__**"What's the matter, Mattie?"**_And every feeling of doubt or fear, suddenly vanished. I brushed back a stray curl as a blush worked its way to my pale cheeks and reaching the tips of my ears. You remember the next part, right? I pounced back on that bed faster than Russia running from Belarus. Grinning like an idiot and burying my head in your chest so you wouldn't see my silly tears. And you stroked my hair just like you pet Kumijirou, _**"Like owner, like pet!"**_That was the best day of my life. And I promise, I'll never forget it. That's what truly scares me the most…that one day, I'm going to wake up, and I won't be able to recall your smile or remember your laugh. Or how your hair felt when I ran my fingers through it. Or the twinkle in your ruby eyes whenever you'd find me with your shirt on. It absolutely terrifies me, Gilbert…"

"**My happiness is gone, but I'm still living here**

**Babies are born while sometimes death descends**

**I will never see you again**

**Because you're gone**

**But I have found my light"**

"Alfred's constantly checking up on me nowadays. I think he thinks that I'll go and kill myself. Silly, right? Because while I understand his reasoning…committing suicide won't change anything. I know you wouldn't have wanted that for me. Plus, I have to be a good uncle!" Giggling softly, the sound as clear as a bell, he stubbed his toe against a worn bed post. "I bet your wondering what I'm talking about, huh?" He leaned forward, brushing his hands over the frost-bitten covers, clutching the cold fabric in his hands. _'__Ce fut notre lit ... où nous avons dormi tous les soirs' (This is our bed…where we slept every night)_As the hollow thought passed, he blinked curiously as tiny drops of moisture spilled onto his hands and covers. _'Je ne pensais pas qu'il était censé à la pluie ...'(I didn't think it was supposed to rain…)_And one glance out the window proved him right.

"Anyway, as I was saying earlier, I want to be a good uncle to Adelinda. Yup, you guessed it! Feliciano had the baby the day after your funeral, so in honor of the Awesome Gilbert, they named her after your favorite German name. She's absolutely precious…tiny tuffs of brown hair and the brightest blue eyes you'll ever see. She's very small though, being a few weeks early but she's strong just like her _Vati_ (German for Papa/Dad)." Smiling bitterly, he kicked off his shoes and curled around a pillow, covered in red silk with tiny, delicate designs. _'Must've been a present from Yao...' _"Am I a bad person for cringing every time I hear her coo? Or feel a stab in my chest when I see Ada in her parents' embrace? I'm a horrible person, Gilbert…I resent her. Her entire birth. A poor helpless baby! I hate how everyone is cooing over her while I die inside every time I see her in Feli's arms because that could've been us…"

_'This is bad…I shouldn't be saying these things to Gilbert about his own niece.' _A dull pain started throbbing, nestling itself at his chest as he felt the warmth slip out his bones. "I shouldn't stay much longer. The temperature's pretty chilly this time of year and I haven't eaten yet. The baby's going to start kicking soon…" He placed a gentle hand over the growing bulge of his stomach. "I'm starting to worry about her, Gilbert…Yao said that not all people show that much but…I'm so small and 7 months along already." He sat up slowly and looked around the abandoned room, remembering where all the portraits, paintings and artifacts used to be. "I remember all the shit you used to hang up. Old posters, manga covers, pictures of Gilbird. But you know what? I kinda miss it. Because every now and then, you'd secretly hang up pictures of me on your side of the wall until one day, there just wasn't any room. So you bought a photo album and saved them all. Every moment, captured in time, saved in a picture."

"**I can still recall your heartwarming smile**

**As it filled my heart with your tenderness**

**I will treasure all of our memories**

**As your fading now,**

**Your smile is forever mine"**

_** "Hey Mattie! Come here!" Gilbert nearly screamed out the words in excitement as he bounced on his heels, waiting for the familiar head of blonde curls, much like his father's, to appear. As Matthew rounded the corner, he was pounced on by four balls of white fluff. One with small paws and a little black nose and another with silver hair and warm hands, and the last two with pretty curls and blue-violet eyes just their papa's. "Gotcha!" they all screamed, bursting out in soft laughter as they watched the Canadian attempt to get up.**_

_** "Dammit Gilbert! What if I had fallen on my stomach?" Wrinkling his nose in irritation, he wiggled around, desperate to get up. "Let me go, boys! The stove is on and dinner will be spoiled an-"**_

_**FLASH!**_

_** Mattie blinked slowly and just stared as Gilbert bounced around in fiendish glee while Liam and Grant curled up on his chest, eagerly watching their Vati. "Did…you just take a picture of me..?"**_

_** "Yup! I wanted to try out my new camera. West bought it for a 'Congratulations! You're a father' present. And I thought, to celebrate the moment, my first picture would be of you …and your little belly!" To further prove his point, he walked over cuddling trio and laid his hand over the tiny bulge. "It's going to be a girl, you know?" He gently set down the camera, pried Ontario and Quebec off their papa and helped the Canadian stand up.**_

_** "There's no way you could possibly know that, Stupid Prussian. Papa's only 3 months along and we won't know the sex until the 4**__**th**__** month." Smirking smugly to himself, Quebec tugged Ontario forward and headed to the kitchen, hoping to save their dinner.**_

_** Gilbert just smiled at the brat and placed a gentle kiss on Mattie's forehead. "Your kids are quite childish for 17, don't ya think?" **_

_** Mattie giggled and shook his head. "I wonder who they got it from, eh?" **_

_** "I refuse to take full blame for that! I just happened to be here when they were in their growing stage and they just happened to pay attention. But anyway, back to my daughter. It's a girl. I just know it." As he whispered the words into his ear, he reached back for the camera and quickly snapped a shot as Matthew held his small belly, staring at it curiously.**_

_** "Maybe…"**_

Matthew stared up at the cracked roof, not even noticing the trail of tears flowing down his cheeks, into his hair and the frosty covers. He tightened the hand on the pillow and choked back a pitiful sob. "I kept all those photos…every last one of them. You wanna know which one was my favorite? The one with your head on my stomach when she started kicking. You were like a child in a candy shop. We'd spent days on end just on the couch, as you waited for your little girl to kick again. Oh, and the times that I had to go to work were the worst! You'd pout and moan until I ultimately let you sit near my chair and continue your listening. It was so adorable…though Gilbird and Quebec did tend to get jealous at times. Poor babies…"

He stood up slowly, holding his stomach in fear of hurting it. His eyes spotted a faint sparkle from a half opened cabinet. The silk pillow, long forgotten, he walked over and picked up a small silver chain. _'Jewelry?'_ He tugged a little harder and from the ashes appeared a small cross. _'This was Gilbert's. A pendant for protection. The cross of the Teutonic Knights.'_ He turned the blackened cross over and rubbed his thumb over the back, revealing the Latin words inscribed into the metal. **'Suum Cuique'**. "To each his own…" Matthew wiped the cross until it was spotless and put the pendant on carefully. "Thank you. I never even knew that you knew my motto." His fingers brushed against the small letters engraved below the Prussian motto, **'A Mari Usque Ad Mare'**. "Is that why you always insisted to being buried near the sea? Silly Gilbert…" Mattie blinked rapidly, feeling those damn tears start to spill again. He got down on his knees and gripped the bed stand with white hands, slowly losing himself to the numbness.

"Ich muss jetzt gehen ... aber ich werde sicher wieder kommen. Ich liebe dich, mein Gilbert Awesome ..." (I must go now...but I'll come back for sure. I love you, my Awesome Gilbert...)

And he made the bed like he always did, laid new flowers on the grave and as the first few rays of light penetrated the black sky, he quietly said his goodbye and left without a trace. He'd walk back home, assure Grant and Liam that no, he didn't go off drinking and yes, he was eating every few hours. And by morning, the boys would just nod and pretend they believed their Papa's lies as to where he was, knowing full well he went to their old home. And they'd have to pretend they didn't hear the muffled cries that only came when Matthew thought they weren't awake and even though they resent that man for the pain he's caused them, he did give them a baby sister. And made their Papa happy. Even though, every year, of the 1st month, on the 18th day, they will all visit that grave, and those years they will also celebrate the birth of Serenity Beilschmidt- Williams, born February 25th.

* * *

**Well, there it is! I spent roughly 2-3 weeks on this story and about a week on the lyrics. **

**Liam- Quebec**

**Grant- Ontario**

**In my mind, Liam loves to make Gilbert's life hell xD And poor Grant is stuck as peace-maker~**

**I love my little canadians OCs~! All OCs names were courtesy of My Psycho whom I worked to near death and that's why I love her! Wow, this story required a fair amount of research. I'd spent hours just looking up Prussian history. And so, I think I'm going to take a very long nap ^^;;**

******Also, if you can figure out what all the dates in the story mean from Gilbert's headstone to Serenity's birthday, I'll write a oneshot for you with your choice of Hetalia pairing :D The first 5 people only!**

**I sincerely apologize if the French or German is incorrect. My resources were Dictionary:Translate so if any thing is wrong, please don't hesitate to correct me!**

**So please review! I'd love some feedback on this and if you request it, I'll post a epilogue about Serenity visiting her father's grave or something like that.**

**Much love and I hope to hear from you all soon!**

**-MP PrussianMia**


End file.
